Living a monastic life - day 2

08/30/2008
Day 2

04:20 AM

Couldn't really sleep well last night. Had dreams about alligators. Alright, I freaked out when I saw this picture showing some alligators are roaming the river near this abbey a couple days before going into this abbey.

Woke up @ 2:50 AM. Still want to go to bed (ngantuk)! It's wayyy too early. I thought to myself, no way people would wake up and go to vigils. Took a shower, went outside. Pitch black. All I had was a small flashlight. Went in a little bit late, yet, lo & behold, 5 other retreatants were already there. My assumption that I would be the only one there was proven to be wrong. My pride was crushed.

Vigil at 3:20 AM. My mind was wandering, wasn't able to focus.

One phrase that struck me was from psalm 145, "He is close to all who call him, who call on him from their hearts."

Lord I call on You. For here I am thirsty like a parched land without water.
I call on You to cleanse my mind, my thoughts and my heart.
I am asking You to guide me. By Your grace nothing is really impossible.
Ya Tuhan, pas Atun lagi sendirian, accompany me.
Ya Tuhan, pas Atun lagi kesepian, be with me.
For compared to You, everything is pale.

6:35 AM

Lauds at 5:30 AM. Breakfast at 6:00 AM. Lectio Divina at 6:30.

It's the time for lectio divina. The time for me to just sit down and reflect the word of God.

From Lauds, what I love is: snow and hail, rain and mist, bless the Lord.

Psalm 148. It is in the beauty of nature that we found ourselves in awe to the creator. Lord, as I pray, let me pray for those who have asked my prayers.

As I meditate on You. I saw You through the face of Fr. Christian (there is a picture of Fr. Christian here). Ninety four years old and still strong. His firm belief to join the Trappist monastery at the ripe age of 50 inspires me. Here I am and yet I felt weak and helpless, lonely and despair at times.

9:50 AM

Went to the garden and to the labyrinth. Pic 1: the labyrinth path. Pic 2: Labyrinth on floor of Grace Cathedral, San Francisco.





Disclaimer: the labyrinth at the abbey was not indoor, it was formed from a garden where butterflies, bees, and dragonflies are roaming around happily.

The labyrinth was a long and arduous walk. It seems that the path doesn't go anywhere. My feet were wet and God knows what kind of insects are on the ground.

It was exciting at first. It was as if as I walked into the center of the labyrinth, I felt that God was purging all the problems and pains that I was having. Nevertheless, the path was not straightforward (literally). The road seemed to keep on going without any end in sight. I got frustrated and walked faster and faster. It made my feet worse since I just wore sandals. Reaching the center, a feeling of relieve and joy was there in my heart. Tired as well.

After sitting for a while, I thought to myself, "Ugh. I have to take the same route to go out??" So I cheated. Crossing some plants and surely, in less than 2 minutes I was out.

It got me thinking. In my own life, would I do just that?

After receiving education, faith formation, salaries as symbolized by walking inside the center of the labyrinth, would I not share what I already get with everyone else symbolized by walking out the same way I went in?