Updates - 2015

It has been ~2 years since I last wrote an entry to this blog. The writing will be free flowing since I am having a hard time falling asleep and don't feel like doing dissertation work at the moment. I was also inspired by Matt Maher after listening to his interview with Lino Rulli.

I am a bit stressed out from my dissertation writing process. I am still in the process of gathering data this whole week of spring break and I have mid April as my deadline. One month to write another two chapters is impossible, to say the least. I am hoping that I can get first draft of this one chapter out the door by the end of next week. Which is nothing short of a miracle.

The previous paragraph is my present state of mind. What has happened in the past 2 years? This one comic strip explains it all:

I went through a mild depression with a small sliver of suicidal thoughts this past year. Despite being successful, PhD-wise, where I went to many conferences and received many accolades from my work, I felt like I am drifting away into an abyss of despair. I could not see what is ahead of me. I began questioning my motives on why am I here in the first place. I got to a point where I seek professional help from my counseling center. Through their help, I emerged out of my depression. I began making positive changes with my life. I rethink my career choice to go into academia. I began to not overwhelmed myself with so many activities that took up so much of my time. I am finally feel at peace with my decision to not go into academia. I am being hopeful again. I can see that there is future ahead of me.

I still feel that I am going through a burnout from my project at the moment though. A colleague of mine sent out an email on wee hours of the night . I applaud his enthusiasm, but that is a bit much for me. I was once asked multiple times in multiple ways by my colleague as well. The main reason that I was not responding to his request was because I was preparing for an interview that day. I had been pulled in so many directions the week before to get other things done by my advisor and him that the only time that I had in preparing for this interview, was the day of the interview itself.

Enough of my rant. As much as I love academia and their constant pursuit of knowledge, the ordeals come with big time commitment to pay. If I were to have a family, that means constant neglect of personal matter over academic pursuit of excellence. Not to mention the constant pressure to perform in order to get tenured. That is just the nature of the beast.

Looking inward: I enjoy science. The beauty and complexity of the underlying principles that I am utilizing will always be a source of awe and constant perplexing in my mind. But I also love my pursuit of God. I love learning more about Him through my theological reading in my spare time. In order to balance both of them at the same time feel like a form of funambulism at its core. I can do both of them at the same time, but I have to be at peace that I will not be as good as a person who puts in 100% of their effort in one or the other.

I will end this blog post with this: I am grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to study at this great university. Where else would you see high-ranking church officials, first-rate Catholic journalists, best-selling Catholic authors, and theologians giving lectures throughout the academic years if it's not here at this university?  Where else would you see scientific endeavors being conducted with first-rate quality without holding anything back? But most of all, I can see Christ's presence in this campus. As much as I struggle, the dispensary of grace through the sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation that are offered throughout the week in this campus has been tremendously beneficial for me. Thank you. And our hearts forever, Love Thee, Notre Dame.

O Oriens - 2012

O Morning Star,
splendour of light eternal and sun of righteousness:
Come and enlighten those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death.

O Oriens

"The Latin title O Oriens can be translated several ways. Oriens simply means East, but is also translated as Dawn, Daystar and Morning Star because they all rise in the East. All are harbingers of the sunrise which dispels the darkness...

For Christians, the rising sun has always been associated with the Risen Son. The early Christians prayed facing East and altars faced East. In his book, The Spirit of Liturgy, Pope Benedict XVI wrote: “Despite all the variations in practice that have taken place far into the second millennium, one thing has remained clear for the whole of Christendom: praying towards the East is a tradition that goes back to the beginning.” Because the altars faced East, when the priest faced the altar he was said to be offering the Mass “ad orientem,” or towards the Risen Christ." Taken from catholic fire blog.


“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same?" Matthew 5:43-46

O Christ the Radiant Dawn, Your eternal light shine on the bad and the good. Light that breaks open ignorance. Sun that reigns upon injustice. Here we are, who gladly embrace the light that warms the coldness of this dark night of the soul, yet shy away from the refining fire that would shape use to be more like You. Enlighten us. Show us the darkness of our ignorance. Area of our lives we failed to do good and chose evil instead. Come and enlighten us. Let Your light shine ever more brightly through our daily lives and actions as we prepare closely to the coming of Your son, Jesus Christ.

O Clavis David - 2012

O Key of David and sceptre of the House of Israel;
you open and no one can shut;
you shut and no one can open:
Come and lead the prisoners from the prison house,
those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death.

Key of David

"I will place the key of the House of David on his shoulder;
what he opens, no one will shut,
what he shuts, no one will open." Isaiah 22:22


We sang each morning, in the Canticle of Zechariah:

"In the tender compassion of our Lord
The dawn from on high shall break upon us,
to shine on those who dwell in darkness
And the shadow of death,
And to guide our feet into the way of peace." Luke 1:78-79

You are the Key of David. Taking control of David's royal lineage and opening it up for blessings to all generations. Through You, we can enter again into the garden of Eden.

But, looking into my own life, my heart still longs for the day when my parents will be entered into Your church O Lord. My heart ache for the pain of divorce in the family. I yearned to know what is in store for my own future. These are the darkness that I dwell upon. The shadow of a dead relationship is painful for all party involved. These are real, humane, and messy conditions that I live in.

Yet You bring goodness out of each and every life situation we are all in. The longing for salvation has brought me to pray more and be more charitable to my aging parents. Future anxiety has led me to cling closer to You O Lord.

And here we wait. We know that You open up that door of life as you fashioned us into being in our mother's womb. There are thousands of grace that you are willing to share with us, who dwell in darkness and in this shadow of death. We know that Your divine providence will come and swept us away into Your heavenly kingdom, if only we would say, "may it be done to me according to Your will." Luke 1:38

O Radix Jesse - 2012

O Flower of Jesse’s stem, you have been raised up as a sign for all peoples; kings stand silent in your presence; the nations bow down in worship before you. Come, let nothing keep you from coming to our aid

Flower of Jesse's Stem - The Root of Jesse - Radix Jesse

O Lord, You assumed human nature and hence inherit this lineage of people who have gone before You. Past kings are in Your ancestry. Yet Rahab the prostitute, bear the honor of having You as her great-great-great grandson. Kings and prostitutes; saints and sinners; good and evil; all variables are mixed into this ultimate equation that produce the lineage of the coming messiah.

This flower of Jesse's stem showed me that both good and evil coexist: in this world, in this country, in this city, in my family, in my own humanity. Good thoughts and actions are what I strive for each day. Yet, it is a sad reality that out from my heart flow evil thoughts and actions too at times. As St. Paul says, "What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate." (Romans 7:15)

But what of it Lord? Even kings stand silent in Your presence. Nations bow down in worship before you. Come Lord Jesus, fill us with your radiant love. Take and transform us this Christmas!


"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

O Adonai - 2012

O Adonai, O Leader of the house of Israel, you appeared to Moses in the burning bush and you gave him the Law on Sinai: come, stretch out your arm and redeem us.

The Law

Dear Lord God, how many times do we see rules and regulations and we think of burdens and lack of freedom? In reality, you gave your Law to redeem us. Will I be happy if I disgrace my parents? Will I be happy if I steal from another human being? Will we be happier if the commandments "thou shall not kill" be obeyed?

Yet, here we are in the "already, but not yet" state. We still need Your grace. We need Your outstretch arm to scoop us out from this vale of tears. We need Your outstretch body who died on the cross to redeem us. So come O Lord, and save us: for only by Your cross and resurrection You have set us free.

O Sapientia - 2012

O Wisdom from the mouth of the Most High, you fill the whole world. With strength and gentleness you order all things: come to teach us the way of prudence.

 Wisdom

For wisdom is a kindly spirit,
yet she does not acquit blasphemous lips;
Because God is the witness of the inmost self
and the sure observer of the heart
and the listener to the tongue.
Wisdom 1:6

O Wisdom, who knows our inmost thoughts, our deepest corner of our heart: we are prude sons and daughters of yours. You listen to things unspoken by our lips. Search our heart, search our minds, search our soul. You fill the whole world, yet you still give us free will. We still have the choice to follow Your order or to follow our own.

We see how the world mourned when a person chose the path of death rather than life these past couple of days. You gently remind us: this is not the end. There will be restoration. A new day will come and "the dawn from on high shall come upon us".

Teach us the way of prudence

Teach us Lord to be prudent. To act with or show care and thought for the future.
Not acting like there is no tomorrow. To work as if the things that I do will last for a lifetime.
To show care for what is important, and not on petty things. To care for those who feel alone in their journey.
To think of the future. That only by living with grit and strength and determination will we see a better world ahead of us. That the city of man may become more and more like the city of God.

Amen.

Small coincidence on the Baptism of the Lord

I just realized this about a couple days ago: I am a part of a planning committee that has the baptism by John the Baptist as the theme! To look back and see that John the baptist is my saint of the year, it is just too much of a coincidence to not see it as God's way of saying: "see, I am with you still." Thank you Lord. It's almost the end of the year. And you're still with me.