I am a bit stressed out from my dissertation writing process. I am still in the process of gathering data this whole week of spring break and I have mid April as my deadline. One month to write another two chapters is impossible, to say the least. I am hoping that I can get first draft of this one chapter out the door by the end of next week. Which is nothing short of a miracle.
The previous paragraph is my present state of mind. What has happened in the past 2 years? This one comic strip explains it all:
I went through a mild depression with a small sliver of suicidal thoughts this past year. Despite being successful, PhD-wise, where I went to many conferences and received many accolades from my work, I felt like I am drifting away into an abyss of despair. I could not see what is ahead of me. I began questioning my motives on why am I here in the first place. I got to a point where I seek professional help from my counseling center. Through their help, I emerged out of my depression. I began making positive changes with my life. I rethink my career choice to go into academia. I began to not overwhelmed myself with so many activities that took up so much of my time. I am finally feel at peace with my decision to not go into academia. I am being hopeful again. I can see that there is future ahead of me.
I still feel that I am going through a burnout from my project at the moment though. A colleague of mine sent out an email on wee hours of the night . I applaud his enthusiasm, but that is a bit much for me. I was once asked multiple times in multiple ways by my colleague as well. The main reason that I was not responding to his request was because I was preparing for an interview that day. I had been pulled in so many directions the week before to get other things done by my advisor and him that the only time that I had in preparing for this interview, was the day of the interview itself.
Enough of my rant. As much as I love academia and their constant pursuit of knowledge, the ordeals come with big time commitment to pay. If I were to have a family, that means constant neglect of personal matter over academic pursuit of excellence. Not to mention the constant pressure to perform in order to get tenured. That is just the nature of the beast.
Looking inward: I enjoy science. The beauty and complexity of the underlying principles that I am utilizing will always be a source of awe and constant perplexing in my mind. But I also love my pursuit of God. I love learning more about Him through my theological reading in my spare time. In order to balance both of them at the same time feel like a form of funambulism at its core. I can do both of them at the same time, but I have to be at peace that I will not be as good as a person who puts in 100% of their effort in one or the other.
I will end this blog post with this: I am grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to study at this great university. Where else would you see high-ranking church officials, first-rate Catholic journalists, best-selling Catholic authors, and theologians giving lectures throughout the academic years if it's not here at this university? Where else would you see scientific endeavors being conducted with first-rate quality without holding anything back? But most of all, I can see Christ's presence in this campus. As much as I struggle, the dispensary of grace through the sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation that are offered throughout the week in this campus has been tremendously beneficial for me. Thank you. And our hearts forever, Love Thee, Notre Dame.
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