On living

After reading a friend of mine's blog , I wanted to write this post.

I have tried to find this answer for that long loneliness that I have in my heart. You know, the kind of feeling, that when I was around so many people, I felt that I don't belong there. A loneliness that creeps into me as I crawl into my bed at times.

I somehow found the answer when I watched the movie, "Into the Wild" with a great couple that just got married recently. It was disturbingly similar to the experience that I have, the thirst for wanting more and trying to find the answer. Minus all the out of the line nudity, the movie was able to convey a meaning to the idea of a community.

The second time it hit me was when I read this book by James Martin, SJ, "My life with the Saints". I picked it up since my fave blogger, Jen F @ conversion diary, recommended it.

In one of the chapter, he talks about Dorothy Day, the founder of the Catholic Worker Movement. Her autobiography was entitled, "the long loneliness". When James asked, "What is the answer to the long loneliness?" Dorothy in her book answered simply, "It's the community."

The third time that it hit me was when I went to the confession 2 weeks ago. As I was confessing my sins, the father says it simply... "You have to focus yourself into the service of others. Try to be active, do something for your community instead of dwelling in yourself."

That is the very essence of living a Christian life. The great paradox, "It is in giving, that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

And I thought, this is a great example of the paradox.

So if I were to ask, what is my life's deepest desire? It is to build a community, and that starts from my own family. I may not have a family right now, but all my other siblings have one. Seeing them raising their kids, showering them with love, as imperfect as it can be, was quite an experience. Some made good choices, others don't, but it brought me a different perspective in life.

Certainly, those who choose to be selfless, as imperfect as they may be, gave the best example of what a family should constitute in this world. I saw them did it painfully. It requires them many sacrifices, humility, and carrying your crosses (which was boring according to the world's perspective). Movies, out. Video games, out. Time where we can just learn new things around, out. Yet, those are pale in comparison to the idea of raising someone's life. I mean seriously, how can they do that? I am still am not perfect as of now...

That's when God's grace came into place. That's when I realize that I am not the center of this universe. That's when I realize that reality is bigger than my thoughts.

And with that spirit, I aspire to be a good dad someday. I aspire to be a good husband someday. And that starts with a hard look into my very own life, is my mirror all dusty and full of self?