Lord I believe, help my unbelief

I was just watching the NCYC '09 live streaming. It just happen that one of the speaker, spoke about the story of the Transfiguration. He spoke about the desire that some of the audience may have to pitch a tent there. Because they have been so much soaked with God's grace, the great speaker that they were having, and the good times they've had in that conference. But, Steve (the speaker) said, "But that's not what Jesus calls you to do." He calls us to go down the mountain and serve.

When I was listening to this message, the phrase that I can utter is, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." And so I wanted to write a blog post about it.

So then, the next step is to google search the phrase, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief.", for I know it was written somewhere in the bible and so that I can eloquently write an exposition on this phrase. Where is it? Google says that it's in Mark 9:24.

And look what I found. It just happen that according to Mark, the whole story behind, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief," was in the same chapter as the story of transfiguration.

Well first of all, I would encourage you to read this Mark chapter 9 story.

For one, Jesus was furious when the father of the son was saying, "... But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Jesus said to him, "'If you can!' Everything is possible to one who has faith."

What I could take from this story: it is alright to be angry at certain things. Even Jesus was angry at one point of His public life (i.e. here in this story).

For two, the father of the son was honest when he cries out, "I do believe, help my unbelief!"

What I could take from this story: honesty is important in our relationship with God (and also with others). The fact that Jesus finally cured this person son showed that He appreciates honesty, the cry from the father's heart of his doubt.

I am honest: Currently I have been through a lot of doubts. Every day, for the past couple of months, I have been doubting whether Christ has actually made me go down this path. I have been doubting beyond measure, on what does actually mean to be His follower when things actually does not go MY way. I have been doubting, on the actions that I have taken, the results that have happened and all the things in between. Everything just doesn't make sense anymore.

I felt crap for the most part, especially on weekends. The actions that I have taken, I played it over and over again, like a broken tape. What are the things that I could have done differently? Why does things have to go this route?

But then, why am I hurt? This passage from "He Leadeth Me" by Fr. Walter Ciszek, SJ pretty much sums it all up:

But unfortunately those who have lost a true sense of humility - that constant realization of the relationship between each individual and God - have also lost thereby the ability to look upon their burdens in this way. They see instead only the burden, the difficulties, the humiliation; and they become depressed. They begin to pity themselves, to question things in their married lives or in their vocations that they valued highly before... But ultimately, what they are trying to explain is the radical change in themselves that has brought them to the point of interior crisis in a vocation they once embraced with so much joy and enthusiasm.

How can all of this happen so suddenly, seemingly in so short period of time? The answer lies in a loss of the virtue of humility, a loss of the vision of life as significant in God's sight, a loss of the vision that sees all things as coming from the hand of God. Once this vision is lost, then the self very subtly begins to assume greater importance and God's will begins to grow less and less important. It's not our failings or faults or sins of themselves that bring this about; it is a lack of humility. No matter how badly the humble man fails, he will reckon his accounts with God and start over again, for his humility tells him of his total dependence on God. [emphasis mine]

So, this is my prayer: "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" Make me learn once more the virtue of humility, so that I may again pray that, without You, I can do nothing.