Easter 2012

Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm and said: Who is this who darkens counsel with words of ignorance? Gird up your loins now, like a man;  I will question you, and you tell me the answers! Where were you when I founded the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding...

Then Job answered the LORD and said: By hearsay I had heard of you, but now my eye has seen you. Therefore I disown what I have said, and repent in dust and ashes.

Divine Mercy Sunday always has a special place in my heart. Back when I was in SC, I accompanied the special service that my parish put in place to commemorate this beautiful feast instituted by Pope JP the great. We first watched a movie retelling the story of St. Maria Faustina then everyone would go to our church to pray the divine mercy chaplet together.  I would play my guitar and the lead singer would sing the divine mercy prayer, alternating between English and Vietnamese. Trusting in Jesus has always been something that's easier said than done in my own life, so I hold on to this image of "Jesus, I trust in You" dearly in my heart.

As far as my own struggle, they are still there. But my perspective in itself has changed. I was drawn to reread this beautiful book by Fr. (soon to be servant of God) Walter Ciszek, SJ called He Leadeth Me. In the first chapter of this book, he recalled the story on how the Russian had finally infiltrated Albertyn, Poland where he was stationed at that time. He said, "Again and again, as I watched all this happen, I had to force myself not to think of the question that kept returning unbidden to mind: 'Why has God allowed this evil to happen?' Why persecutions?... The perplexity and pain grew within me as I saw the visible Church, once strong and organized, dissolve under the attacks of these invaders and watched the people grow estranged, pressured ceaselessly into accepting this new order."

A couple paragraphs later, he would then say,

Yet, from our vantage point in history, we know it was really quite the opposite. Israel's troubles were in truth a manifestation of Yahweh's special providence, his special love for his chosen people. Like a fond and loving father, he was trying to wean them away from trust in kings or princes or in armies or the powers of this world. He was trying to teach them, again and again, that their faith must only be in him alone. He was leading them, through every trial and in every age, to the realization that God alone is faithful in all tribulations, that he alone is constant in his love and must be clung to, even when it seems all else has been turned upside down. Yahweh is still the Lord behind the events and happenings of this world; he can be found there and he must be sought in them, so that his will may be done. It was he who had chosen them, not they him. 

It was the Lord who had chosen me, not me him. It was Christ who put me here, to be born into my family, to be studying here under my current advisor, and to cross path with all these friends that I have had over the years. When all was taken from me, I was again reminded that my faith must only be in God alone, and not in my research, nor my relationship.

Another book that I finished reading is Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On. I know that this is written to a sexually active women in their 20s and 30s, in which I am not, but there are threads of commonality as I struggle through in being a single committed catholic trying to find his future spouse. One of the most riveting story from this book was when she met this religious sister, Sister Gerry, who's blind and yet 'her eyes sparkle in a way that I've never witnessed in a blind person,' she said. When asked what's different about her, she said that, "Either she could believe her life was over, she explained - or she could say yes to blindness, and trust in what God had in store for her." She then went on and said, "Looking at Sister Gerry - seeing her deep brown eyes with their improbable sparkle - I couldn't doubt that she had made the right choice. She had given so much to the world - and still had so much to give. Her existence alone was a gift."

So, in the end, "Jesus, I trust in you." I chose to say yes to my state of life right now and trust in what God has in store for me. Make me a channel of Your grace Lord, in this life of mine, so that all will see that it's not me who shines, but it's You who shines through me. Amen.